Hometown River Race

Cooper's Cup Flying Carp Canoe & Kayak Race
September 20, 2008
Cooper's Landing
Hosted by River Ladies Auxiliary
text by Steve Schnarr, photos by Dave "the River Slave" Marner & Melanie Cheney

Nobody knows how long paddler races have been going on at the Providence and Plowboy Bends of the Missouri River. I’ve heard of races in the seventies, but the participants I’ve talked to have pretty foggy memories of what went on. Some claim the races went down the Perche Creek, while others remember paddling on the Missouri. How about in prehistory? I can imagine huge dugout canoes manned by ten paddlers each barreling up and down the wild and weird big muddy river. Why not?

To quote an unnamed river rat friend, “further research is needed.”

But to jump forward in time, on September 20, 2008, for the third year in a row, a very strange phenomenon has taken place at this beautiful waypoint along the Missouri River. It’s so difficult to describe, it even has two names: The River Ladies Auxiliary’s Flying Carp and Cooper’s Cup Canoe & Kayak Races.

Doirienne & Keenan O'Brian catch a glimpse of the race namesake on the Perche Creek. photo by Dave Marner

We’ve become accustomed to long distance, downstream races on the Big Muddy. But this thing is a very short race. In fact the length of it changes every year. But there are a few really cool things about it: 1) No shuttle required. 2) You don’t need a ground crew 3) Spectators can see almost the whole thing from one spot on shore. 4) It costs five bucks to get in the race (and, hell, if you’re really pushy, you can enter even as the racers are gathering at start point).

The day has two races, but three classes. The first is a tandem canoe race with one adult and one kid (16 and under). The second race has two classes: single kayak and tandem canoe race paddling at the same time.

It begins and ends at the same place: Cooper’s Landing’s skinny, steep boat ramp. The ramp enters the river just downstream of a wing dike and is plagued with a strong eddy that changes as river levels change.

The crowded race start. photo by Melanie Cheney

Racers gather in the eddy, waiting for the blast of the starting horn from Sparky’s houseboat (if you don’t know Sparky, you should). They then pick their path across the raging current, heading slightly upstream if they can to the next buoy placed in the slower water on the other side.

They then paddle like mad upstream (the most grueling part of the race), looping around another buoy before heading back across river. This is a tricky maneuver because the river bends sharply here.

They dive into the mouth of the Little Bonne Femme Creek, circle a buoy, then get back into the channel to finish at Cooper’s ramp. Some years they have to stop at a sandbar, collect trash or a flag, and then hurry back to their boat. Each buoy or landmark gets a name: the slower water on the opposite bank is Carpbait Curve, there’s Deadman’s Dike, the Cauldron and, at the mouth of Bonne Femme Creek, is the Maiden’s Mouth. This year, the combination of high water, fast current and the wakes from motor boats created some pretty weird water in the Maiden’s Mouth, as you can see in Dave the River Slave’s awesome photo.

But this year, the river was very high. We even discussed not holding the race, but after a test run decided it was tough, but doable. We shortened the race course and, since there was not a sandbar in sight, took that part out. For the kid & adult race, we decided to start the racers up Perche Creek, so they would just need to paddle downstream and not have to fight around wingdikes or against the raging current.

With Tim Nigh giving play-by-play on shore and Jeff Barrow with radio dispatches from on the river, it makes for a hilarious spectacle all around. (“Folks, it looks like ‘Stinky and the Brain’ are making the cut across river at Deadman’s Dike headed for the Maiden’s Mouth. Look at those strokes! They’re really making headway now!”) Folks crowd onto the top decks of houseboats and all along shore to watch the paddlers battle it out.

This year we had two vessels tip over. But in testament to the good vibes of the event, these folks were just as happy as the winners (“This makes for a better story!” said one soggy participant).

Afterwards, awards go the winners in each class, as well as for the best team name. This year, the evening was capped off with the Charlie Brown Boogie-Down Dance Contest, hosted by local musical favorites Crazyfish.

Here’s a list of the winners (and honorable mention in each class). Congrats to the winners and thank you to all the good sports that tried their hand paddling up and down the Big Muddy!

Kid & Adult Tandem Canoe Race
1) Scott & Quinton Swafford, “Gazortenplatz”
2) Doreiann & Keenan O’Brien, “Favorite Noodle”
3) Sylvia Donnelly & Maggie Rotts, “Double-Trouble Boats & Bubbles”
Honorable mention –
Dave & Nick Mosby, “Heart of Hartsburg”
Bill & Nick Rotts & Daliliah Donnelly, “Flitty Flood Flubbers”
Chip & Ian Price, “Price Crispies”
Vince & Joe Blazis, “Stinky & the Brain”

Kid & Adult race winners, “Gazortenplatz” in their Kevlar canoe - Scott and Quinton Swafford

Adult Solo Kayak -
1) Kory Kaufman, “Leave Me Be I’m Not Trash”
2) John Breyfogle, “Alligator Cove”
3) Jason Bauer, “Carolina”
Honorable Mention –
Jim Bauer, “Loon”
Brenda Reida, “Just Kayaking”
Brad Bauer, “Althea”
Solo Kayak winner Kory Kaufman ("Leave Me Be I'm Not Trash!") reaches the finish line. photo by Melanie Cheney

Second place solo kayaker John Breyfogle ("Alligator Cove") approaches the finish just ahead of Tandem Canoe winners Chip Price & Scott Swafford ("The Editors"). photo by Melanie Cheney

Tandem Canoe Race –
1) Chip Price & Scott Swafford, “The Editors”
2) Travis & Roy, “Scramin’ Seamen”
3) Vince Gallo & Uncle Denny Ternamian, “Team Swell”
Honorable Mention –
Sylvia & Bill Rotts, “Carp A Delerium”
Aaron Boynton & Ken, “Tippy Canoe”
Will Buck & Rob Forman, “The Oakland Raiders”
Jim Karpowicz & Jerry Bizzle, “The Last Minute-Men”
Mark Osborn & Jim Hellmann, “Alagash”
Philip Masters & Mike Osborn, “The Fighting Mongooses”
Daniel Thorne & Gabe Ryan, “Boonslick Buccaneers” (Also winner of Best Name!)

In Memory of Beanie

A Heckuva River Dog
by John Breyfogle, photo by Tim Cheney

This weekend, our River Relief mascot, Beanie the river dog, went to his last clean-up at the mouth of the Osage River near Bonnots Mill, MO. Beanie's been all over the state, the most loyal dog ever. On Tuesday evening, he passed away. His fishing partner, John Breyfogle, wrote this little piece about his friend:

In Memory

Beanie passed away at the Animal Emergency Center on August 31st from complications of pancreatitis. He was 13 years old. He will be remembered most as our beloved River Relief Mascot, perched on the bow of a boat — ears waving in the wind.

He was an official volunteer for Stream Team 1876 — “Alligator Cove” and retrieved about 100 pounds of “floaters”during his career — styrafoam, plastic, and glass bottles and many tennis balls. His eyesight was uncanny, both at day and at night. He once formed his own little pile of trash on the river bank.

Beanie retired from retrieving trash in 2005 because of Arthritis and weak hips. We were on the river bank one day and he just sat there — looking over the water. His expression was — “I quit”, and it was both funny and sad. He continued to wade in the river but never swam again.
Because he couldn’t swim, I felt it was only appropriate to make him a River Relief Search and Rescue T-shirt.

Beanie loved to camp, fish and boat. He was able to retrieve a hooked fish on a line underwater in the murky Missouri River. It was the most incredible thing I’d ever seen. He never got tangled in the line and never got “poked”by a catfish. Once the fish was in his mouth it became motionless — another mystery. I remember hooking a 7 pound Carp and the major battle that took place. It was difficult for Beanie’s mouth to fit around the big fish. There was much thrashing and splashing and soon the cove was all muddied-up. He never quit though, until the fish was on the bank. With great effort he carried the fish up the steps from the river, placed it in the shade and laid next to it with the widest grin I’d ever seen.

I never told many people about Beanie’s fishing, in fear that he might be stolen.

Beanie was featured on a Hallmark card in his younger years, in the pet section of the major stores. He was paid $200.00 for 5 hours of work. I kept $!99.00 and gave him 1 dollar. He was happy. He saw me through times of adversity and had the incredible ability to “make everything OK.”

One day we were driving in my old pick-up and he was sitting very close. I wanted more space — so I turned and burped in his ear. He then turned and burped in my ear, a little muffled dog-burp. I began laughing so hard, that he finally moved over.
He touched the lives of hundreds of people he met along Missouri Streams and Rivers. He was quiet, gentle and perceptive, but most of all —
he was just Beanie.....

God bless my fishing buddy.

Post-flood clean-up

“Black Star”Clean-up at Alligator Cove
June 23, 2007

text by Steve Schnarr, photos by Melanie Cheney

Bouncing Back
Many of the news stories of the Flood of 07 focused on the bursting of agricultural levees in Western Missouri and Eastern Kansas. For those that live right on the Missouri River, without levees, it was one long river of heartbreak. But floods are a part of life on the river, and these tough people cry when they need to but get right back up and rebuild.

Of course no one deserves the overwhelming work and loss that a flood brings, but river folks do know that eventually it’s going to happen. It takes vision, strength and community for folks to go through it and come back to the river. But they know that they have to get back, and the only way to do it is through a lot of hard work and calling in your friends to help get it done.



When floodwaters reshape your world, it becomes an opportunity to start a new vision, to clean up and make things even better.

At Alligator Cove (Rivermile 343), John Breyfogle had built a perfect riverside haven. Beneath towering cottonwoods was a cabin on pontoons, a two-tiered deck made from an decommissioned pontoon boat overlooking the river, and a music stage built on the flatbed of an old two-ton truck.



These things all got destroyed in the flood, which filled up and coursed through the whole place. John’s house was covered in mud, and all the carpet had to be ripped out. With the help of friends and family, and countless hours of after-work effort, the place was cleaned out, mud was scraped, utilities gotten up and running, the barn reorganized, the salsa garden replanted, John’s tiller dismantled and worked back into shape.

Demolition Derby
John figured his friends in River Relief would be good for doing some of the big teardown work. He put together a work day and invited us all out. Vicki arranged for a scrap dumpster and Michael cooked up some food. Racin’ Dave and John Jansen brought cutting torches and everyone showed up with a smattering of hand tools. Folks left Columbia around six, and everyone convened at the cove. Nick Recker, Stephanie Williams and her partner Ken surprised us all and showed up with tools.

It was a long day of destruction.

As we tore the rotting stage off the back of the truck, Racin Dave busted out his tools and started dismantling the cab, gas tank first. He shook his head and said, “This is one of those things where you just take off a week and go after it.” And then, with Lindsay’s help, he proceeded to reduce the truck to an engine block, a pile of plastic and upholstery and countless chunks of steel cut into three-foot pieces for scrapping. All in one non-stop day, before dinner.



Jeff Barrow, Michael and the John B’s focused on the “floating” cabin. The beautiful little cabin on pontoons did float, but was toppled by the force of the current, smashing the building and loosening the structure. The windows and any good lumber or siding was salvaged, but everything else went to the burn pile or dumpster. Nails were pulled, and the John B’s (Brady and Breyfogle) went at the pontoons with dueling chop saws.

Here's the cabin as they started working on it...



This is what was left when they were done...



During the flood, the deck overlook collapsed when the bank underneath slid into the river. Nick, Stephanie, Ken and Melanie worked it all day, pulling nails and stacking the joists and decking up on the remaining deck. All together, we probably filled a five gallon bucket with nails pulled from salvaged lumber. John Jansen came after work with his torch, and worked on an old piece of a dredge.

Anthony, Jeanie, Janie and Steve moved from project to project, helping the teardown when needed, picking up trash between stages of the destruction, preparing food.

Dinner was fantastic, and we gathered, exhausted around the campfire at night. John thanked everyone for helping, and, laughing, passed out black star pins as a reminder of the day.

It’ll be a while before John can move back in, but he’s excited that now he has a reason to build a home up on stilts. The vision of this place has definitely not been washed away, but it’s a fresh new beginning and we are all excited to see it blossom again.